Somewhere in Between

Hey everyone (no one?). I don’t think anyone checks this anymore, but a good friend of mine who is currently living (not by choice) in Pakistan requested the blog be updated because he enjoys it. What kind of guy would I be if I couldn’t entertain such a request from someone trying to make our world a safer place?

I’m in New Haven, CT right now all set to fly back to Jacksonville tomorrow morning. Well, my flight out of CT takes off early as hell, but I don’t get to Jacksonville until about 3 in the afternoon. If I drove from New Haven to Jax at 100 miles per hour without stopping, I would beat myself home. Improbable as that scenario is, it doesn’t say much for the airline I am flying that they can’t get me home a little faster. Even if everything goes right tomorrow my 8 hours of traveling will still be the mustard atop this turd sandwich, but let’s face it. This turd isn’t even ripe yet! I have a feeling I am in for more fireworks.

It’s my own fault. I knew before I even clicked the mouse to book this trip that it was doomed. I made my first critical error right at the outset, but being an optimist I thought THIS time would be different. I put my fate in the hands of the biggest bunch of amateurs in air travel today: U-S-Airways. Seriously, there should be some kind of disclaimer when you book a flight with them that says something along the lines of “Yeah, it’s cheap, but we don’t care if you get where you need to go or if you are comfortable. Trust us. We REALLY don’t care. Actually, we hate you!” At least then it wouldn’t be so appalling once they start in with their bullcrap.

When my Tuesday began at 5am I was looking forward to an early flight into Philly followed by a short hop to New Haven, putting me there at 10:30am ready for a meeting and lunch with a customer. Did. Not. Happen.

First my 615am flight out of Jacksonville was grounded due to mechanical problems. Apparently when only 5 people board a flight US Air’s planes get sick and you have step back off the plane. Coincidentally the plane wasn’t fixed until it was time for the already scheduled 10:30am flight to board. Mechanical problems can be so convenient. They even had the audacity to walk us through the same gate, onto the plane we had just gotten off of 2 hours before. Apparently the mechanical problems fixed themselves because the plane never moved and no one was visibly fixing anything.

So I settle back into my seat and who sits down next to me but the smelly hippie I had been praying wasn’t going to be next to me as I sat in the terminal watching him pick crap out of his white-guy dreadlocks. On the bright side, I found out what a person smells like when they don’t shower or use any type of hygiene products. Oh wait…that’s the opposite of the bright side. This dude was fowl. His stink was making me emotional. I kept wondering if anyone else around us could smell. Then I started wondering if anyone would back me up if I just started berating the guy and tried to force him to spend the rest of the flight in the bathroom so the rest of us could breathe. I mean, you can’t smoke on planes. If you’re too fat you have to buy two seats. Why can’t there be a smell test before you get on board? I didn’t say anything. I just turned my head into my shoulder and tried to pretend like I was sleeping while I giggled to myself about all the jokes I could make on this guy if I wasn’t such a pussy.

So we get to Philly and it really starts to go south. I only had a half hour to make my connection and salvage the day with a late afternoon meeting (rescheduled from earlier). When I look at the screen my flight is on time and at the exact opposite end of the airport from where I am. So I run to the shuttle, run to the terminal, run to my gate making it just in time to see them putting up the little CANCELED sticker under my flight number. Shoot me in the head.

I go to the counter to get another ticket, and I swear to God the 300 pound girl behind the US Airways counter actually rolled her eyes at me BEFORE I stepped up to her. This was going to be fun. She informed me my only option for New Haven would be the next day, which I was already expecting. I knew there was a flight to Albany leaving in about 2 hours and since I needed to be in Albany the next morning anyway I asked her if she could just put me on that flight. It went a little something like this:

Me: If there are seats on that flight to Albany I can just take that one?

(pause)

Tubby US Airways Counter Girl: No

Me: Why is it full?

TUACG: Uh…yeah.

Me: How do you know? You didn’t even check.

TUACG: You already booked for New Haven so…

Me: I don’t want to go to New Haven tomorrow; I want to go to Albany today. Why is this so hard.

(rolls her eyes. Sucks her teeth)

TUACG: Sir I caint help you.

Me: Great, who’s you’re boss? I want to talk to that person.

TUACG: She ain’t here right now so…

Me: Well, that sucks for you because I am going to stand here until someone either puts me on a flight to Albany or gives me a reason other than bullshit that I am not going to Albany!

(Calls manager who arrives within 30 seconds. I explain to her, and I am on a flight to Albany within 2 minutes.)

And…scene!

In a world where so many people are unemployed I find it sickening that Tubby US Airways Counter Girl is collecting a paycheck. Even if it is from the cart and donkey of air travel.

Anyhoo, I board my flight to Albany and we sit there. And sit there. And sit there. An hour goes by with no communication whatsoever. The flight attendants were hiding so they didn’t have to answer any pesky questions like “why the hell are we still on the ground when we should have been in the air 45 minutes ago?” The captain comes onto the intercom and I really wouldn’t have been surprised if he asked for volunteers to go out and give us a push. She stalls out sometimes but when we pop the clutch she gets where she needs to! Sadly it wasn’t anything that funny. We had sat for an hour because of a paperwork mixup. ONLY US AIRWAYS!

They just can’t do anything right. Their planes are crap, their flight attendants look like hell, their customer service people are rude, their flights are never on time, and they lie to their customers faces. Luckily I didn’t check any luggage but I understand they are not good at getting your bags places they are supposed to go.

I’ve spent the rest of the trip driving 30 miles an hour on a sheet of ice that used to be an interstate. The snow has been falling so rapidly the plows couldn’t even keep up. Not fun. And I still have to fly out tomorrow. Not good times. Not. Good. Times.